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HOW TO GET WEAK: A PARODY


[disclaimer]: What you are about to read is a *parody* filled with sarcasm. Instead of educating you on best practices to get stronger, leaner and have more quality of life for decades to come, we’re sharing exactly what you should do if you want to be weak, not feel strong and incur preventable health issues as you age. It’s your world, we’re just here to help make decisions based on your goals and how you want to live life!

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You know that one super fit human in your workout class? The one that always shows up, crushes sessions, moves super well, and feels great? They’ve got it ALL wrong!

You want to be weak, to be able to stay home and crush the couch instead of crushing the weights?! Then you, my friend, are going to love this article. This one is especially for you! Read on for 5 amazing tips on how to get and stay weak!

#1. Lift The Lightest Possible Weights

The worst thing you could possibly do is lift heavier weights (i.e. weights past your comfort zone) as this would prime your body to get stronger. Therefore, you should lift weights that never feel challenging. What does that mean? Never, and I mean never, allow yourself to push past your comfort zone. When you get done lifting weights, you should always feel like you could easily do 8-10 more reps. Are your muscles burning after a set of lifting weights? Sorry buddy, you just pushed too hard. Back off next time, or better yet, take a rest break during your next set.

As coaches, we want to see a lot of extra resting between sets because it means you’re working at a level you are comfortable with and your muscles will enjoy the breather. If you push too far, this will stimulate muscle growth and lead to things like building more lean muscle and feeling stronger!


#2. Do Mostly Cardio, Skip The Weights

If you can, skip the weights altogether. Cardio is far superior at making you weak, especially if it is the only thing you do. Notice how the best Olympic Track athletes in the world train with weights as much as they train on the track? By using weights, they gain *gasp* strength, which makes them faster and more powerful. You want to be weak and slow, so stay far away from the weights.

The best kind of cardio, you ask? The best cardio is a run on hard pavement when you already present with knee issues (that should really help clear it up)! Comparatively, strength-based exercises – exercises incorporating weights / body weight – might help you clear up those ailments, yikes!

#3Don’t Schedule Your Workouts

Fly by the seat of your pants whenever possible. If you schedule your workouts ahead of time, you are committed and held accountable to being there. Yikes, that kind of consistency could lead to some seriously amazing results!

Lets go the opposite route: motivation. Feel like working out? Head to the gym! Don’t feel like working out? Great! You didn’t commit to yourself and schedule your workout so “no harm, no foul”! Stay at home and bask in your weakness.

Here are a few simple things you can do instead of scheduling your workouts:
• Talk yourself out of it, head to happy hour!
• Only do it if you “have time”. Definitely make your health last priority!
• Do nothing – the stars just aren’t aligning. You only like to workout at a certain time and if you can’t do it then, why bother doing it at all…despite having other free time?

#4. Distract Yourself

Workouts should not be challenging. This is a break from work and life, if you push too hard you might start to get leaner and stronger. Yikes, that was close. Make sure you come to the gym ready to be fully distracted by following these few guidelines:

Talk Through Your Workout
The time for catching up with friends is in the middle of the workout. This ensures you won’t work too hard or push yourself too much. Here is a great rule of thumb: If you can hold a conversation in the midst of working out, you are in the sweet spot of weakness. Carry that conversation through the entire workout.

Keep Your Phone Nearby
One of the best things you can do to distract yourself is have your phone readily accessible. This classic distraction tool can snare even the most prolific workout enthusiast. Here is the key: keep the sound on and continuously check it through your workout. Bonus points if you have a Smart Watch and have it set to receive notifications during a workout.

Each time you get a message, email or call, that phone becomes a personal resting device which pulls your mind back to work and home: weakness engaged.

#5Skip the Warmup and Cooldown

Warmups and cooldowns are for supple leopards who love their bodies and want to take care of it. If you can manage it, skip the warmup all together and immediately start your workout. Ignore those around you who are preparing their bodies for increased intense movement and exercise, which will make their workouts more effective and less prone to injury. HAHAHA LOSERS!

And cooldowns? F*** it – who needs those?! Leaving immediately while your body is still warm is a fantastic cooldown! This guarantees your hips, glutes and back will always be tight. Keep it that way.
The best thing you could do is skip the warmup, jump head first into your workout and not be bothered with any cooldown.


So there you have it, my top 5 tips to become weak. Put these into effect at your next workout and you will LOVE your lack of results.

Did you read my other blog, How to Gain Fat: A Parody of Fat Loss? Together, you have 10 tips for gaining fat and getting weak – the ultimate combination!

On the other hand, if you read this blog and thought to yourself, heck NO! I want to get stronger, have more energy, fit into my clothes better and enjoy quality of life for decades to come, then let this blog be a reminder of what NOT to do. Instead, follow the tips included in this blog: The Most Effective Exercise For Fat Loss!

 

Smooches!
Coach Matty B

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