How to Gain Fat: A Parody

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Disclaimer: This blog is a blatant parody on how to GAIN FAT and is dripping with sarcasm. We’re flippin’ the script to help you understand and bring awareness to 5 extremely common habits that sabotage any effort to lose fat…..

As we approach Pumpkin Spice season, sometimes known as Football Season or even “Fall” by the less informed, many of us have one thing on our mind:

Time to get back to our goals of gaining fat!

Yes, it’s been a summer of cookouts, parties, bar patios, and IPA’s. But even with all these indulgences, you’ve been much more active cause well, it’s summer in Cleveland and there’s only like 90 days of good weather. This means you’re hiking, running 5ks, biking, playing sports and heck, even doing yard work around the house, and this all adds up to more physical activity!

And more activity means you’ve been making slow progress toward your fat gain goals or maybe even *gasp* …you lost fat!

Welp my friends, now it’s time to refocus and put on our winter fat!

Here are 5 things you can immediately start doing on the regular to gain fat. Yes, you’ve read that correctly! If you’re looking for added fat gain, we present 5 bullet proof ways to achieve this!

If you’re NOT looking to gain fat, take some time after reading this blog to assess where you stand with each of the 5 behaviors shared below. Pick ONE habit to focus on + change. Write down your goal and 3 daily action steps you can realistically commit to every day to make the change and nail your goal!


#1. Don’t Plan Your Meals

If you want to gain fat, this is essential. Make sure all your meals are last minute decisions. Grab whatever you have in the fridge, throw it in the microwave, and Bam! You have yourself a perfect meal. You want to make sure you have as little veggies as possible as those will only fill you up and make it harder to eat more. So, don’t do any grocery shopping in advance either.

Stop on the way home and grab some McDonalds or Chick-Fil-A if you really want to go the extra mile here!

  • Plan Out Cheat Meals
    Now, there is one thing you will absolutely want to plan: Cheat Meals. Make sure every Friday (or, screw it, every WEEKEND!) you plan an all-out-pigfest. Go for the classic: some pizza and wings, top it off with some ice cream and Baileys.

  • One Caveat: You must binge! Don’t stop when you are full. Stop when your pants have to be unbuttoned.

#2: Eat Quickly & Until You Are Stuffed!

Probably the most common tactic used to gain fat is to eat as fast as possible, which allows you to eat a large amount of food before realizing you are full. It takes about 20-30 minutes to really start to feel satisfied after eating. Between hormones (ghrelin and leptin) and food moving through your gut, it takes time for your body to process that initial surge of deliciousness.

Take advantage of that window and stuff your face like Grandma is feeding you. The fuller you get, the better. Once the food hits and you feel like shit, you will know you have succeeded.

Just remember, this will make you feel like shit (bloated, stomach distension anyone?!) so make sure you let that belt out!

#3: Don’t Pack Your Lunch – Eat Out!

Since you aren’t planning meals (see above) you will need to take full advantage of going out for lunch at work. You have two options, and only two options here:

You can order food from the cafeteria and stuff your face at your desk while you work (great for stress!) or, you can find Gary in marketing, grab a $12 lunch, and dish about Patrice’s promotion even though you KNOW she didn’t deserve it. Your call, they both get the job done.

Remember in college when all your meals were “out” or at the dining hall? That’s what we are striving for again, here. Your body just ain’t the same as it was back then, which means extra fat in all the right places!

Bonus Points: Instead of making your own coffee, stop by the local Starbucks and grab a latte and a scone on your way in. Not only will that really give you some empty calories, it will also make you late for work! Boom, double whammy!!!!

#4: Eat Multiple Snacks Every Day

You should never be hungry. Being hungry is a sign that your body needs food, or else it will burn fat and ruin your fat gain goals. Therefore, you should snack whenever possible. Keep “snacky” foods like chips, crackers, candy, and trail mix around the office and at home so that you always have options available.

  • Munch While You Cook
    When you make dinner, grab whatever is around in the kitchen and munch away. You want to fill yourself up so that your dinner, when finished, is the second course and not the main entrée. In fact, grab a glass of wine or three and drink that down, too (more on this later!)

  • Eat Late at Night on the Couch
    Possibly the greatest tool in your toolbox is late night couch eating. Since your house should be stocked with snacky foods, it should be easy to find anything you want and go to town. The best fat gainers have been known to fall asleep with snacks in hand and crumbs abound, if you strive to be like them you’re going to need to learn this tactic.

#5: Drink Your Calories

Alcohol, pop, coffee concoctions, the list goes on… A surefire way to gain some extra fat is to drink your calories. The reason here is twofold: they don’t “fill you up” like eating real food will and they typically hide lots of sugar and/or fat.

A few practical examples:
· Out for lunch? Order Coke instead of water!
· Just got home from work? Crack open a cold one and skip your workout.
· Out on the weekend? Get that Pumpkin Spice Latte, its only 550 calories. (Ah shit, I went there!)

And there you have it, ladies + gentleman – the 5 ways to gain fat this fall!

***If your goals don’t align with fat gain, we challenge you to do the opposite of everything outlined in this blog.

We challenge you to honestly evaluate + ask yourself if you’re doing any of these 5 things consistently. If the answer is yes, here’s what to do next:

· Pick ONE habit to focus on + change.
· Write down your goal
· Specify 3 daily action steps you can realistically commit to nail your goal!

For even more help with hitting your fat loss goals, check out this blog – Weight Loss Hack That Actually Works to learn the #1 habit you’re probably not doing, but NEED to be doing daily if your goals are fat loss!


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